Monday April 13, 2009

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was looking for the wrong things in people all along. I opened up. Found some new people to hang out with. I completely revamp my opinions about who I should and shouldn’t be around, found some new friends. After a short time I found someone new that was fantastic. She was smart, had direction and had one of those personalities you only find once. She was amazing, and that scared me to death. All at once it struck me that I was getting invested. It wasn’t the fear of commitment. It was the fear that I wasn’t changing. So I stopped. I never told her why or even really told her at all. I just stopped. She’s a friend now, I don’t know how, but I’m thankful for it. Instead of dating this awesome woman I chose someone that I could never have feelings for. I dated this new girl for a year. She had some problems and wasn’t that bright, but she was always happy. It was a completely selfish relationship for both of us. She thought I was hot and I thought she could give me the companionship without the heartache. Things were bound to go wrong. One day we got into an argument about something so important that I can’t remember what it was and we broke up. It wasn’t two days later that I tried date a girl I randomly met at a friends’ and became good friends with. Natalie, as she stated later to me, set a man trap for me that worked perfectly. We talked all night. She tried to dress to catch my attention and never missed a chance to run into me at a social interaction. Immediately after Natalie and I got together I got a phone call telling me my x-girlfriend was pregnant. I thought I was doing the right thing by ending whatever Natalie and I had. I got back together with my x and tried to take care of my responsibilities. I wasn’t sure she lied and I had no way to prove it, but after a month she told me it was a false alarm. I must have been a fool, but I stayed with her. I kept in contact with Natalie but I always thought that bridge had been burned, and rightly so. Another fight and another pregnancy scare. I didn’t realize how much power some women could have.
I had a chance to get out. I moved to Alaska for a summer to work on a glacier. Natalie helped me set it up. I was going to work with a dog mushing company that Natalie worked in close proximity to. She worked for the Helicopter Company that flew tourists to the glacier and I worked for the Mushing company that gave them a tour. By this time, my x and I were thru. She tried to tell me she was pregnant and I tried to tell her that it wasn’t going to work this time. I was nervous still that it might be true this time, but it had happened too many times.
Over the course of the summer I fell in love with Natalie. She had been infatuated with me since the first time I flirted with her a year earlier. We both grew a lot during that 2 year relationship. I cheated on Natalie twice. She left for Morocco during the summer and I got together with a girl I had a crush on in high school. I don’t know why Natalie stayed with me, but she did. I tried to make up for it by taking care of her and doing everything she wanted me to do. Natalie and I are still good friends. She’s actually my best friend and I will always love her. I don’t love her the way I did, but she is more important to me than almost anything.

April, 10 2009

The girls never made me happy. Somewhere along the line I realize that it was my job to make me happy. After a particularly heart-breaking separation from a girl named Robin, I moved again. This time I ran away to Texas and swore off women for a year. The time wasn’t that important to me, but the idea behind it meant everything. Who can truly love someone who doesn’t love themselves? For that matter, how can someone who can’t even love themselves love someone else? Learning to be single and happy wasn’t hard. Family and friends became much more important. My young nieces finally got to know their uncle.

In order to fulfill my one year hiatus from women I had to adjust I interacted socially. My friends growing up had always been women. That’s the last thing I wanted now. I somehow ended up with a group of guys that especially loved fast cars, women and verbally bashing one another for comedic and stress relief. (The same type of guys that called me gay in high school) I picked up an edge, sarcastic streak, new piercings and a fast car; all to fit in. The guys thought a relationship involved a girl that didn’t understand that she need not reply after one night. I had no problem avoiding women with their inability to keep one around. I watched them and how they were able to get some of the most intelligent and beautiful women by being complete jerk. I could do that. Green day said it best; “Nice guys finish last.” I didn’t want to be a nice guy anymore. I pretended that I wasn’t the nice guy, it was only for pretend though, but after awhile I got comfortable with my new persona and became him.

I wasn’t in high school anymore but the group I was hanging out with acted like they were; so did I. Not only did we make fun of each other, we made fun of anyone we could. We did stupid and mean things just to do them and laugh. We drove between Fort Worth and Dallas with 10 cars, blocking all the lanes and went 20 mph and watched the sirens and birdies flashing behind us. I could feel my life starting to fall apart. I knew I was getting out of control. I started dating and calmed down some. Found myself dating a girl because she reminded me of Robin, guess a year wasn’t enough to get over that one. I even went as far as to get engaged again at age 21 for the second time. Six months later her (clinically) manic depressive pi-polar disorder ended our relationship for us. Shortly thereafter I found my Del Sol destroyed in the parking lot of my work. I refused to get back together with her earlier that morning. There are some roller coasters you only ride once.

I ran away again and became a student at the University of Idaho. I started all over without my fast car, my tongue and ear piercings healed. Without a second thought I changed almost everything back, but I kept my newfound arrogant personality. I thought I should be held more than a peg above everyone else. I couldn’t handle a relationship and any decision I made gave me a new regret, but I was a good, hard worker that rarely broke the law, didn’t drink much (1 or 2 times a month, drunk only twice). I thought I was smart and athletic on top of it. Who was I kidding?

The way I am

This is where I really get into my delema and what I want to do about it. I spent the majority of my life being too nice to those around me and getting the shaft because of it. I found myself being taken advantage of far to often. In an attempt to reduce the assurances of being taken advantage of, I decided to stop being so nice. I started by changing small things at a time; started saying no to people that didn't really need my help, told myself that it was okay do do things for myself every no and then, even stood up for myself against my origional highschool girlfriend of 3 years.
Lost barely describes my feelings after finding myself single. A 3 year and slightly over controlling highschool girlfriend turned fiance can affect self asteem in a supprisingly powerfull way. I walked out of that relationship with no clue about what I could ever do to make anyone else happy while simultaneously making myself happy. I do believe that my self worth was hiding at the bottome of a deep hole somewhere, possibly under a garbage can lid as well. Then a co-worker showed interest in the form of a very suprising night that lead to no more than bite marks and an ego boost. The flood gates burst open with a typhoon force over the next 3 months. Almost every girl I knew admitted to having some sort of infatuation with me, either through a highschool crush or aquantences overly perfectualized daydream. I spent my entire life being a perfect gentleman and placing women on a pedestal. At 19 I found myeself on that highrise.
Highschool was spent fighting for my right not to be called gay from my male classmates. My first conversation in the school consisted of a football practice 2 weeks before the first day of class where another student said "Hey, I have bigger pecks than you." Being nervous and desperately wanting to fit in I comented "Yeah, so what. I have a bigger dick than you." After practice I met some of his family and drove home without my cd's, portable cd player and a fair amount of bruises. There was no question as to my popularity from the guys in my class. I never thought the girls would feel much different, but now I couldn't get away from people telling me they had a crush on me since I moved.
I went wild, started dating more frequently. I still held onto my morals, but felt I finally had a chance to find a girl that would make me happy while I was trying to make her happy. I was romantic and wanted little more in the world than to find the girl of my dreams, my princess charming I guess. Someone I could save while she saved me.

April 9, 2009 "Me"

Still turning 26 in 19 days. A very small and rural town housed the wonderfully underfunded high-school that added my photo to it's 2002 graduation frame. Before that another, slightly larger, version claimed me as a resident. Small town life truly gives a person a different perspective of life. Keg parties and teenage pregnancy litter the memories of my 67 student graduating class. To say that an education could be received from the type of school I attended would be near blasphemy. Because of my affiliation with the football team I received A's in classes I never attended. At the time this was a blessing and only after years of meeting people whom received real educations did I begin to understand my lack of life preparations outside of hunting and praising the lords of Fox News.
I was 15 when I left what I thought was the school I would graduate from and moved to my tiny 3 bar hick-ville. Sophomore year is a difficult time to move but, luckily, I have a twin brother to help bring some of the old school memories to light with my new peers. I was never a popular person in my opinion and always enjoyed the company of people that held more weight on their schoolwork and morals. I wanted to move into the more popular clicks but never could allow myself to follow into the alcoholic and abusive natures of the more popular students. However, in contrast to my past incompetence in popularity I found myself in a new school and surprisingly popular with a certain crowd. I didn't know how to handle it and I was completely overwhelmed and excited by it at the same time. I would like to say women, but at the time girls fit the explenation so much better. Yes, girls had, for the first time, really begun to notice me. I was awkward, skinny and had more than a slight acne problem. Still my twin brother and I had somehow turned more than a few heads. Thinking it was simply because we were new to the school and not related to anyone (a good majority of our class had some sort of relation to at least 1 or 2 other students in the same grade). We were the new blood.
Good things never last. I believe our dorkyness and a few other things began to wear on people and all the intrest in twins disapeared. We were never propper material for popularity with my strong Christian values and my brothers trench coat and all black clothing. We did our best and he dated a few nice girls and I got stuck with the captian of the cheerleading squad that was anything but a "nice" girl.
At this time in my life I was a truly nice person. I would have done anything for anyone and spent much of my time doing things for others, going to church and trying to be a really good boyfriend. I was nieve, moreso than the majority of my classmates.

A little about me. Hopes, dreams and maybe an explenation or two.

This isn't something I know a lot about. I don't do blogging and I really don't read blogs. At least I can say that I didn't blog. This is all new to me. I don't know if anyone is every going to read this and I'm really not all that worried about it. I understand that my grammar and spelling is horrible, try to bare with me. My name is Logan, I'm 26 in 19 days. Wish there was some excitement to look forward to for the big event, but sometimes there are more important things to think about. Something along the lines of "am I a good person at heart or just a good person?" What's a good person at heart? Is it a person that wants to be good but keeps choosing go the other route? I believe I'm a good person but if no one else thinks so, is it an incorrect assumption? Please feel free to comment and be honest.