Monday April 13, 2009

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was looking for the wrong things in people all along. I opened up. Found some new people to hang out with. I completely revamp my opinions about who I should and shouldn’t be around, found some new friends. After a short time I found someone new that was fantastic. She was smart, had direction and had one of those personalities you only find once. She was amazing, and that scared me to death. All at once it struck me that I was getting invested. It wasn’t the fear of commitment. It was the fear that I wasn’t changing. So I stopped. I never told her why or even really told her at all. I just stopped. She’s a friend now, I don’t know how, but I’m thankful for it. Instead of dating this awesome woman I chose someone that I could never have feelings for. I dated this new girl for a year. She had some problems and wasn’t that bright, but she was always happy. It was a completely selfish relationship for both of us. She thought I was hot and I thought she could give me the companionship without the heartache. Things were bound to go wrong. One day we got into an argument about something so important that I can’t remember what it was and we broke up. It wasn’t two days later that I tried date a girl I randomly met at a friends’ and became good friends with. Natalie, as she stated later to me, set a man trap for me that worked perfectly. We talked all night. She tried to dress to catch my attention and never missed a chance to run into me at a social interaction. Immediately after Natalie and I got together I got a phone call telling me my x-girlfriend was pregnant. I thought I was doing the right thing by ending whatever Natalie and I had. I got back together with my x and tried to take care of my responsibilities. I wasn’t sure she lied and I had no way to prove it, but after a month she told me it was a false alarm. I must have been a fool, but I stayed with her. I kept in contact with Natalie but I always thought that bridge had been burned, and rightly so. Another fight and another pregnancy scare. I didn’t realize how much power some women could have.
I had a chance to get out. I moved to Alaska for a summer to work on a glacier. Natalie helped me set it up. I was going to work with a dog mushing company that Natalie worked in close proximity to. She worked for the Helicopter Company that flew tourists to the glacier and I worked for the Mushing company that gave them a tour. By this time, my x and I were thru. She tried to tell me she was pregnant and I tried to tell her that it wasn’t going to work this time. I was nervous still that it might be true this time, but it had happened too many times.
Over the course of the summer I fell in love with Natalie. She had been infatuated with me since the first time I flirted with her a year earlier. We both grew a lot during that 2 year relationship. I cheated on Natalie twice. She left for Morocco during the summer and I got together with a girl I had a crush on in high school. I don’t know why Natalie stayed with me, but she did. I tried to make up for it by taking care of her and doing everything she wanted me to do. Natalie and I are still good friends. She’s actually my best friend and I will always love her. I don’t love her the way I did, but she is more important to me than almost anything.