This is where I really get into my delema and what I want to do about it. I spent the majority of my life being too nice to those around me and getting the shaft because of it. I found myself being taken advantage of far to often. In an attempt to reduce the assurances of being taken advantage of, I decided to stop being so nice. I started by changing small things at a time; started saying no to people that didn't really need my help, told myself that it was okay do do things for myself every no and then, even stood up for myself against my origional highschool girlfriend of 3 years.
Lost barely describes my feelings after finding myself single. A 3 year and slightly over controlling highschool girlfriend turned fiance can affect self asteem in a supprisingly powerfull way. I walked out of that relationship with no clue about what I could ever do to make anyone else happy while simultaneously making myself happy. I do believe that my self worth was hiding at the bottome of a deep hole somewhere, possibly under a garbage can lid as well. Then a co-worker showed interest in the form of a very suprising night that lead to no more than bite marks and an ego boost. The flood gates burst open with a typhoon force over the next 3 months. Almost every girl I knew admitted to having some sort of infatuation with me, either through a highschool crush or aquantences overly perfectualized daydream. I spent my entire life being a perfect gentleman and placing women on a pedestal. At 19 I found myeself on that highrise.
Highschool was spent fighting for my right not to be called gay from my male classmates. My first conversation in the school consisted of a football practice 2 weeks before the first day of class where another student said "Hey, I have bigger pecks than you." Being nervous and desperately wanting to fit in I comented "Yeah, so what. I have a bigger dick than you." After practice I met some of his family and drove home without my cd's, portable cd player and a fair amount of bruises. There was no question as to my popularity from the guys in my class. I never thought the girls would feel much different, but now I couldn't get away from people telling me they had a crush on me since I moved.
I went wild, started dating more frequently. I still held onto my morals, but felt I finally had a chance to find a girl that would make me happy while I was trying to make her happy. I was romantic and wanted little more in the world than to find the girl of my dreams, my princess charming I guess. Someone I could save while she saved me.
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I think dear "brother" of mine... I am beginning to understand where you are coming from. Why? I have been the person stepped all over or taken advantage of for years. You like helping people that is in your nature believe it or not it is. That is why I claimed you as a brother so long ago. Because from day one you stood up for me and maybe that awful computer skills class bearable. We lost contact but as soon as I saw you again guess what? You treated me no different. You have stepped up to help me when you do not have to... Some friends have not visited me in the last semester the same amount of time you have in the last week. You put yourself last which is not healthy and miserable and believe me I have been there. While helping people is one my favorite qualities you possess. I want you to take care of yourself more. Believe me I am going to do the best in my power to help you. I think you need to see what it looks like to be taken care of. I did not fully understand until I crashed into that stupid freaking hill. While it is frustrating to be so dependent on everyone including you.. It has opened my eyes to there is definitely a balance that needs to be found. You have been through a lot of stupid, harsh and unfair circumstances. I know there is a rhyme and reason for it...The next step is to be patient enough to figure out why. We are both helpers... We are not happy unless we are helping other people. I know I sometimes help people to the point of frustration. I am often told they don't need another mother. I can't help it is part of who I am. Being a helper is part of who you are and I have learned to quit fighting it and just figure out when enough is enough. I am sorry to know about what people have done to you and believe me I want to give them a piece of my mind. Just like you wanted to do with the people today who treated me as though I was invisible. All I have to say is you are better than what certain people have made you out to be. More than one of us believe that...Next step... you need to believe us and believe in yourself.
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